It’s on me

 My feelings don’t matter, they are my problem, not his, even if he hurts them, the sole responsibility of how his actions affect me are mine, he’s not responsible, as stated. My physical needs don’t matter either. only how he feels. It is my problem if I don’t receive intimacy as it’s a direct result of my body being unattractive because of how pregnancy left it and fat, my not keeping it in shape.. How can I expect him to take care of my needs when he’s turned off by my body? I won’t ask him for “help” either as I know how he feels about my body and that hurts me, he’ll be thinking how it does not turn him on. I know he said he married me because “there was hope” (In regards to me getting plastic surgery) , but it wounds me that I’m not going to receive that unless I look a certain way. I understand by his actions and focus when I try to talk about my feelings or try to flirt , that the house being  in order is the main priority in our relationship and things related to the home and order and what is important to him and it makes/breaks interactions. Can’t deny that order is important, but it is more important than my needs/feelings. Can’t even make conversations without being cut off and redirected to what really matters: order, accountability, what is important to him at the moment. I don’t doubt he feels love for me, but my feelings and needs don’t matter to him, they are solely MY responsibility and if I am to have intimacy I need to look good and appealing as a woman to him. I feel like a zombie and my spirit is crushed.